If The Spirit Had Been More Willing, The Body Might Have Been More Able.

I love to hike, and spent quite a bit of time exploring trails all around Anchorage and down on the Seward Peninsula. I once dreamed of hiking over the pass that separates Portage from Whittier. I had boo coos of dreams back then.

I moved into a fixer upper home, and for the past five years painting, scraping, tiling and renovating have eclipsed my desire to explore the great outdoors. Make no mistake, my home gives me much comfort, but the work has been difficult, and at times I have struggled to maintain my facade of competence. The results of each days labor astounds me, and renews my vigor. Still, in the distance, the peaks of the Chugach beckon.

A week ago, I took a hike three quarters of the way up Flat Top in Anchorage. I could not make it the last fourth of the way. My heart was thrumming in my chest, and once I stopped to catch my breath, my legs just refused to carry me any further. My first response to this system's failure was anger. How dare my 43 year old body react in this manner? I was furious with myself. All my anger and indignation could not jump start my aching muscles.

I wonder what would have been the response had I simply rested, enjoyed the view of the city, then made another attempt? I did sit down for a few minutes, but my head buzzed with negative thoughts and observations. I resented the new houses that have cropped up closer to the mountain. I resented the bits of trash I had seen scattered here and there along the trail up from the main parking area. I did not much care for the modern parking area. My memories of the old days swirled inside my head. "I used to run this trail." "The old trail was better." "Why can't anything remain as it was in the past?" I couldn't let go of the negativity. No positive energy could bubble up through that morass of dour indictments.

I have experienced the shifts in my physical strength and stamina that follow changes in thought patterns from positive to negative. I have been down in the dumps and flat on my butt with no energy only to be polarized into action the next moment after receiving good news. My strength and energy are directly influenced by my thoughts. Negative thoughts and emotions sap my strength. Positive thoughts and emotions boost my energy.

My state of mind the day I took that hike determined my fate on Flat Top. Had I been kinder to myself in thought and action, I would have found the strength I needed to finish my climb. Perhaps I should not have made such a climb in the first place? An honest appraisal of my performance suggests that if my spirit had been more willing, my body might have more cooperative.

Affirmations: Challenging Myself to Expand a Little Bit More Every Day

I love this picture. My nephew, Conner, took it of me posing on the Butte in Palmer, Alaska back in 2001.

Many of the qualities I value most about myself can be seen in the picture on the right: my smile, my enthusiasm for seeking beautiful places. I like my hair as well.

2001 was a good year for me. I treasure many of the memories from that summer in particular. My nephew and I were able to do many activities together. My partner and I renovated a 32' class A recreational vehicle. I separated from the military, and embarked on a new adventure.

Finding myself after separation was awkward. I realize now that I missed the structure and security of that institution. Those qualities however, came with a price, and I do not miss paying that price every day.

This picture captures all the hope and enthusiasm I possessed at the time. I pulled it out and posted it as a visual link to the two affirmations I have for today:

• I love my smile, and the way I open up totally when I am happy. I seek to be happy each day regardless of circumstances. I open to happiness.
• I love the spirit of adventure that bubbles under my surface waiting only for me to open and harness its energy. I can feel it in the twitching of my legs or the way my eyes seek a mountain peak or a distant horizon. I will let my higher power guide me as I open myself to that adventurous spirit.

These affirmations encourage me to expand my spirit a little more each day. Somewhere between that picture of me on the Butte and today I collapsed upon myself, but my face has found a sunbeam again. I need to follow it wherever it takes me until I find the source of its magic. I used to thrill at the chance to chase sunshine up mountainsides. The mountain may be more metaphorical these days, but the thrill will be none the less spectacular.