I have never been able to build from imagination.  Creativity has never been my forte.  Other people provide the ideas.  I tweak them a bit here and there, and build whatever needs to be constructed.  Give me a broken object, and I reverse engineer it back to health.

I am a little disappointed to realize at forty-five that I am not creative.  I always wanted to be, and made more than a few attempts to make something amazing and different, but without much success.

My favorite comedian is Bill Cosby.  My mother had all of his comedy albums, and I could recite many of his bits by heart.  One of my favorite bits was titled "Ashtrays."   Bill would joke that no matter what he was assigned to make in shop it turned into an ashtray.  Very funny.  I think about that joke when I am tempted to be depressed about my lack of inventiveness.

I suppose I have a niche to fill, but I have not yet stumbled on it.  Maybe I will.  Maybe I can just be happy to be a builder and a fixer.  Builders and fixers make people happy.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

 Let me be an instrument of thy peace, oh Lord.

I have a rare day to myself.  No one on the ranch today but me and the dogs.  My better half has gone to meet a friend.

I went to a meeting, and then shopping for a bowling ball and shoes.  No luck with the bowling supplies, so I moved on shopped for Thanksgiving supplies.

The simple pleasures are the best.  True, true for me as I let myself enjoy shopping at the local Carr's.  I picked out Christmas cards for my brother, mother and L.    The ghosts of loved ones lost no longer haunt me quite so fiercely now.  I still feel the loss of Jack and my dad, but I can breath when faced with the memories.  I feel better this holiday.  The promises keep coming true.

I have been angry of late, and for me that can be dangerous.  The walls close in on me in the winter; darkness overwhelms, and I feel more than a little lost.  What does one do with oneself in the winter?  I once found activities to get me through the long, cold, dreary months, but those days seem far away and unattainable.

I played hockey once upon a time.  I loved it.  I fell down a lot, and I was never very good at the sport, but I looked forward to the games.

I skated in the parks in the winter.  That was often painful as the weather tends to be very cold, and my feet chilled too quickly.  L and I used to go frequently, but that was in the now distant past.

Many years separate me from the past in which I founds ways to stay active in the winter.  I have blank spots where I cannot remember what I did to get through the darkest days.  I once had the Guard, my work as a mechanic, my goals, and my love of sports, but those days live only as dim memories.

Whatever happened to Shirley Valentine?

I am not unhappy, just restless and irritable, and sometimes lacking whenever I try to find something to do with myself.  I was a mechanic, never creative unless I had a wrench in my hand.  I thrilled at the chase when running down a open or a short in an electrical circuit.  I poured myself into that work.  It meant everything to me.  Where do you go after everything?  I have been floundering with that thought for such a long time.

Groceries are laying on the counter, and the house needs a good sweeping.  I am going to turn on the Eurythmics, and let my mind disappear in the music for just a little while until L comes home and the pace picks up.

Sweet dreams are made of this.
Who am I to disagree.
~ Eurythmics

We are human, social animals who depend upon the cohesion of the group to ensure the survival of the individual.  The cohesion of the group strengthens when the individual reaches its greatest potential.  I try to be the best me I can be,  but remember that I am doing so for the benefit of those with whom I share my life.