If The Spirit Had Been More Willing, The Body Might Have Been More Able.

I love to hike, and spent quite a bit of time exploring trails all around Anchorage and down on the Seward Peninsula. I once dreamed of hiking over the pass that separates Portage from Whittier. I had boo coos of dreams back then.

I moved into a fixer upper home, and for the past five years painting, scraping, tiling and renovating have eclipsed my desire to explore the great outdoors. Make no mistake, my home gives me much comfort, but the work has been difficult, and at times I have struggled to maintain my facade of competence. The results of each days labor astounds me, and renews my vigor. Still, in the distance, the peaks of the Chugach beckon.

A week ago, I took a hike three quarters of the way up Flat Top in Anchorage. I could not make it the last fourth of the way. My heart was thrumming in my chest, and once I stopped to catch my breath, my legs just refused to carry me any further. My first response to this system's failure was anger. How dare my 43 year old body react in this manner? I was furious with myself. All my anger and indignation could not jump start my aching muscles.

I wonder what would have been the response had I simply rested, enjoyed the view of the city, then made another attempt? I did sit down for a few minutes, but my head buzzed with negative thoughts and observations. I resented the new houses that have cropped up closer to the mountain. I resented the bits of trash I had seen scattered here and there along the trail up from the main parking area. I did not much care for the modern parking area. My memories of the old days swirled inside my head. "I used to run this trail." "The old trail was better." "Why can't anything remain as it was in the past?" I couldn't let go of the negativity. No positive energy could bubble up through that morass of dour indictments.

I have experienced the shifts in my physical strength and stamina that follow changes in thought patterns from positive to negative. I have been down in the dumps and flat on my butt with no energy only to be polarized into action the next moment after receiving good news. My strength and energy are directly influenced by my thoughts. Negative thoughts and emotions sap my strength. Positive thoughts and emotions boost my energy.

My state of mind the day I took that hike determined my fate on Flat Top. Had I been kinder to myself in thought and action, I would have found the strength I needed to finish my climb. Perhaps I should not have made such a climb in the first place? An honest appraisal of my performance suggests that if my spirit had been more willing, my body might have more cooperative.