I have a rare day to myself.  No one on the ranch today but me and the dogs.  My better half has gone to meet a friend.

I went to a meeting, and then shopping for a bowling ball and shoes.  No luck with the bowling supplies, so I moved on shopped for Thanksgiving supplies.

The simple pleasures are the best.  True, true for me as I let myself enjoy shopping at the local Carr's.  I picked out Christmas cards for my brother, mother and L.    The ghosts of loved ones lost no longer haunt me quite so fiercely now.  I still feel the loss of Jack and my dad, but I can breath when faced with the memories.  I feel better this holiday.  The promises keep coming true.

I have been angry of late, and for me that can be dangerous.  The walls close in on me in the winter; darkness overwhelms, and I feel more than a little lost.  What does one do with oneself in the winter?  I once found activities to get me through the long, cold, dreary months, but those days seem far away and unattainable.

I played hockey once upon a time.  I loved it.  I fell down a lot, and I was never very good at the sport, but I looked forward to the games.

I skated in the parks in the winter.  That was often painful as the weather tends to be very cold, and my feet chilled too quickly.  L and I used to go frequently, but that was in the now distant past.

Many years separate me from the past in which I founds ways to stay active in the winter.  I have blank spots where I cannot remember what I did to get through the darkest days.  I once had the Guard, my work as a mechanic, my goals, and my love of sports, but those days live only as dim memories.

Whatever happened to Shirley Valentine?

I am not unhappy, just restless and irritable, and sometimes lacking whenever I try to find something to do with myself.  I was a mechanic, never creative unless I had a wrench in my hand.  I thrilled at the chase when running down a open or a short in an electrical circuit.  I poured myself into that work.  It meant everything to me.  Where do you go after everything?  I have been floundering with that thought for such a long time.

Groceries are laying on the counter, and the house needs a good sweeping.  I am going to turn on the Eurythmics, and let my mind disappear in the music for just a little while until L comes home and the pace picks up.

Sweet dreams are made of this.
Who am I to disagree.
~ Eurythmics